There are two men.
One is well known to my soul. He is comfortable in my mind but greatly my opposite. I call him husband and have done so for the last ten years. He is above reproach for the service he’s done all our lives. He’s been the Dedicated Provider and the Loving Partner. He is a Decent Father to our children.
Somewhere alone the way, my view of him changed. No longer do I cast eyes of love and ardor on him. It’s not the wrinkles on the edges of his eyes or the flecks of grey in hair too young to have it. It is the way he dismisses my earnest endeavors and leaves me feeling muzzled in arguments. We have changed. Or maybe just I have and I’m tired of being comfortably numb.
Respect I have for him and a deep wish for him to be happy but I cannot stay comfortable. He believes he is happy with me and I’ll let him stay safe in his dream for awhile longer. I need to first prepare my wings before flight is possible.
My destination perch is a man with a boy’s age. He is 10 years my junior and wiser than I by generations. He astounds me with his intelligence and motivation. He is a very driven man-boy. Even more confounding is the affect he has on me. His sweet words have watered the barren garden of my soul and brought me back to life. I flower with a desire to be better than I’m settling for. I am thinner, healthier and more vibrant in his radiant sun.
He professes love for me and my heart mirrors his. I desire to fly to him and let a new, greener life sprout around us.
What has my husband done to deserve such disloyalty from me other than doing exactly what he’s supposed to do? What more can he be for me that I would be satisfied? I don’t have words for him. They stick in my throat because I want OUT. It shames me deeply to want more than I have and that my selfishness will cleave him in two. Such a blow, coming out of nowhere. A great man will fall under my callousness and I will ruin him.
A possibility to find the happiness I wanted all along? Didn’t I believe in the beginning that I had found it: the love that would last a life time? Once upon a time, my husband was my one and only. This poor new fool is now in the unique position to be the recipient of such love again. I will convince us both this is a good idea and we will try to make it work.
Will I try this time around? Or will history repeat itself again? I don’t trust myself and it makes me want to stay in the safe harbor of my husband’s numbness. I don’t deserve them. I never will.
But they love me.
There are two men.